... for the first time
It was an evening after Thanksgiving’s day, the night was chilly with a hint of wetness, typical for a foggy city such as San Francisco. Sitting on a couch at my favorite coffee, Blue Danube, comforted by my fur boots and the creamy hot chocolate, I was entertained from reading random journals of complete strangers that I have never met, people who have been to this coffee house and shared their thoughts through Blue Danube’s journal books. I was reading about someone who came back to Blue Danube after being away for quite sometimes, about someone who was nervous about their new job, someone was staring at a cute girl in the shop and couldn’t tell her. I was reading…
The door suddenly opens, bringing in its fresh breezy air, along with an unexpectedly attractive face. He got my attention right at that exact moment. His eyes instantly caught mine, and he gave me a friendly smile. My heart beats strangely fast as he moved closer to the counter and placed his order. I tried to concentrate on the book, but no words made any sense. Keeping my head down- Was it his smile? Or that look he gave me? Trying hard not to stare into his eyes again, I can hear my heart beating like a concert inside my chest.
Few minutes passed by, he walked over my way. I looked up as he asked- Is this seat available? I answered clumsily-Ye..ah, then moved to make room. He sat down, I smelled his pleasant cologne, and blushed with the thought. He said my tea smells nice, I asked what he ordered, and before I noticed it, we were laughing and writing things on the journal I was reading from earlier. The night seemed too short as we walked out of the shop as the last customers. Walking side by side, we both didn’t want to end the night, luckily, Green Apple bookstore down the street was still opened. We walked in and share a few more moments of gazing into each other’s eyes before we got kicked out again.
He walked me home, which was only a few blocks away, more than ever, I wished I lived further away, so the walk would never have to end…
There we were, standing at the stairs in front of my doorway, trying to extend our parting time. He held my hands, squeezed it. I moved closer as he swung his arms around and hugged me tight. His body was warm. His breath was close. I wondered if he could hear and feel how violently my heart was beating. As we moved away, he slipped a soft kiss on my cheek, and I could feel it getting warmer. Holding his hands, moving it to my cheeks, I looked into his eyes, and to his surprise, I bit his right hand softly and ran up the stairs, closing the door with my stomach feeling tingly and my hands still feeling his warmth.
***
We had our first “official” date on the following day. It was a sunny autumn day. He showed up with a backpack filled with surprises. We walked to the golden gate park into the Botanical garden. Spent our times exploring the place and finally found a perfect spot to rest. It was under a big tree with wide branches, on a deck in a Japanese garden. There was water running, birds chirping, squirrels surrounding us. Thought the day couldn’t get any better, then he popped open the bag and brought me from one surprise to another, in there was a sleeping bag, a bottle of wine, bread, cheese and fruits. We snuggled in the bag, sharing each other’s warmth, enjoying red wine, and somewhere along that line, we kissed! I remembered laying on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeats and mesmerized by his passionate gaze. We hid under the blanket and didn’t care of everyone walking around. At that moment, there were us, only us together. And at that moment when his lips touched mine, I learned that it is possible to fall for someone that quickly and easily. From that moment, my heart already made up its mind and promised to give it all to him. From that moment, little did either one of us know, he has changed my life completely.
***
New Year’s Eve, after days of not seeing each other anymore, my heart still wouldn’t listen. It went on longing for him. My memories were filled with his touch, his smile, his eyes, his every word and every move.
I drank the night away. Danced away. All, just to hope that at least at those moments when I pass out, my heart will stop waiting for him, and his images will stop showing up at everywhere I go.
Waking up to a brand new year with a phone call, I almost couldn’t believe my eyes when his name popped up. Picking up, butterflies were everywhere in my tummy. His voice was sweet. His words were gentle. I couldn’t be any happier as he asked if he could see me. Is this a dream? Or a pray that’s been answered?
We met again at the same place. He looked cuter than I remembered. Is it even possible? It’s that same short brown hair, same dark framed glasses, same clean cut face, again, he took my breath away without even trying. He sat across from me. His eyes were intense as he told me- I’ve missed you… My heart jumped in joy, so much that it almost burst in tears. My hands were tightly in his. Our eyes locked. He leaned over and kissed me, right there, at that window seat, in my favorite coffee store. I thanked God for bringing him back to me, bringing life to my weak little heart.
I fell deeper and deeper as the days passed. He made me understand the meaning of “happiness”, instead of just being happy.
If only I knew, I reached the end where there was no return, and losing him means I’d never be the same again…
***
The last time we met, it was at the same place. We sat at the same spot, drinking the same drinks as our first meet. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bring myself to facing the fact of losing him.We didn’t talk, just sat in silent.He brought my face up to look into his eyes, a teardrop fell in his palm. My heart choked as he mentioned the moving date. So far away, would I eventually become a small dot in your life, until one day you completely forget about us? I fell into his chest, wanting so much to hold him back but don’t know how.
Hours of being together, it finally came to the end. Again, in front of my doorway, this time, my eyes were red, and his eyes were down. Our hands splitted. He walked away, I wanted for the world to stop moving, for time to stop passing, for this pain to stop growing, and for him to not getting any further away.
I counted the steps he took, and my heart stopped beating.
***
Days of seeing him in every guy I see. Nights of waking up in tears from dreams of losing him. Weeks of telling myself it will get better and months of saying- I need to forget, I still find myself standing at the same place, same night he left with my heart.
I told myself to forget him, but I remember exactly how he looked at me, how his lips touched mine, how his skin felt against my body. I said forget about us, but remember clearly when we fell asleep in each other’s arms and waking up seeing him were the most amazing start of my day. I wanted to remove our memories, but I keep seeing us walking down the street on a Sunday morning to get bread, as my hand slide into his jeans’ pocket and his arm wrapping around my waist. I couldn’t walk by Blue Danube without my heart choking and my tears ready to fall. I couldn’t erase his sight in every corner I turned to. I couldn’t forget the things we planned together. The trip to Napa, the kiss in the rain, the sauna we promised… Everything we have and haven’t done haunt me, and the only thing I can do is face it, no other way. I tried to look for him in other guys, I failed. I tried to forget him with other guys, I failed. I gave him my heart, and now it’s split into half. Every time I tried to pick it up and put it back together, everything fell into pieces and got more broken.
The first time I fell in love was the greatest, yet most painful experience. He made me the happiest person on earth. He made me the loneliest person existed. He made me believe in praying. He made me stop believing in anything. He made me happy I could feel in such way. He made me hate having emotions.
My heart beats for him. My heart aches for him. And my heart stops for him.
I didn’t know how long it takes for fall for someone. And now, I don’t know how long it’d take to forget someone. I didn’t know if I was capable of loving someone with all I have. And I don’t know if this feeling would ever go away, and would it ever be the same again? Just as when I started writing this, I didn’t know how to start, and now I don’t know how to end it. Is this the feeling of lost? Because ever since the day he left, every corner I turned to was a dead end…
