THE DAWN OF SELF-AWARENESS
AFTER THE DEEP NIGHT WRESTLING
WITH MY SPIRIT
(Nhật-Ký 10:31 PM, cst-usa, Saturday, March 4th, 2006)
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Have You ever been Really Knee-deep IN-LOVEd??
That it is like a hurricane, a volcanic catastrophy, a total eclipse in Your Inner-World! It sucks Your total BEING like a Black Hole sucks into Itself Your Whole Universe?? You feel so helpless against Its Power that You involuntarily Resist It for Your Life and Future?? It is such that You don't want It at all: because It is just TOO MUCH for You, asking from You what You are not at all willing to give; demanding from You such impossible PERFECT devotion it is like a coma itself ?!?! You feel like It rips Your very Self apart from You! It turns You into a total Stranger to Yourself that You wish none of It instead just Yourself to be back into Yourself ?!?!
For if in falling in love, I should lose myself: what does It have to offer me any meaningful Truth as an Experience that is meaningful to me: enough for me to want It and Love-Having-It as a Precious Part of me..!?!? For in the beginning it has been: "I AM!" To erase, eradicate, negate this alpha and omega of an existing entity of The Experience of EXISTENCE...Oh..!! and Ahhh..!! *:the I, the AM, the ME, the MINE, the MY, the OWN, the SELF: all whence and whereto and wherefrom that the How, Why, When, Where and WHAT: Can/Is/Are/TO-BE/Had/Have/Has can be Actualized; Realized; Consciousing-and-Awaring; Recognizing...
It must be I-WHO-AM-EXPERIENCING something from outside of me that strikes a harmonious chord so wondrously beautifying my SELF that IT touches ME so Deeply that I-WANT-TO live-with-It-as-a Part-of-ME, whole and wholesome..!!
Yes: even Love..!! not especially Love: just simply even LOVE..!!
I MUST CLAIM FIRST-AND-FOREMOST: my SELF for/to/with/of MYSELF..!!
